As we grow older, people come and go into our lives, but nobody talks about the hurt that happens when you end a long-term friendship with someone. This happened to me twice, once with a “bestie” in high school and another from a whole friend group I had in college. Both of these incidents happened over a year ago, so I have already done the healing process and grieving over these friendships, so I'm at the right place where I could talk about it and reflect without any harsh emotions coming out. The things that suck about losing a friend is looking back at those memories of you all sharing plans that you know now will not come to fruition. Sometimes, it saddens me when I think back at conversations I had with these individuals, saying how they would be my bridesmaids and wanted to be the aunts of my future children, Just for us to be complete strangers now. Going through a friend breakup is way worse than going through a romantic breakup because these individuals you grow close with and bond a lot with, and separating is a harsh reality check.
Not all friendship breakups result from a lousy conflict that happens between the two sometimes; people just grow apart, and they separation due to that, and that's okay. Our perspective and points of view on life change can also apply to the company you decide to keep. The crazy thing about one of my friendship breakups is that I didn't initiate it; it just happened naturally, and I'm happy that it did because I was naive about one particular friendship I had in the past.
As I reflected, I realized there were a lot of telltale signs that these individuals would not really my friends, but I was just so blinded by my love and care for these individuals that it was hard for me to see the red flags. One of the red flags I failed to realize in my friendships was When your friends have secret hatred towards you. One of the most dangerous friendships is when they have secret hatred towards you. These individuals will never openly show you that they have hate, but they would do it in sneaky ways, and you won't pick it up immediately. Once you realize these shady comments/actions, the best solution is to discuss them. In a friendship, you should feel comfortable addressing anything, including discomfort. How this individual reacts vocally and physically is usually a sign of whether someone is your true friend. If they are dismissive of your emotions or try to downplay your feelings or the situation, that is usually a red flag you should keep an eye on.
Another red flag I didn't see is when a “friend” tries to embarrass you in a public setting. This happened a couple of times on the social media platform with one of the girls in this friend group where they actively tried to embarrass me on multiple occasions and even tried to make me feel some type of way by having a conversation with someone that they knew I didn't f*** with. These people showed me their true colors on multiple occasions, but it took for me to take off the Rose Colored Glasses to truly see that these people were never be my friends, which sucks.
When that harsh reality sets in, it is tough to start processing how to go on with life without people you've used to see longevity with. The first way to grieve the loss of a friendship is to release emotions towards the situation healthily. I utilize journaling and my voice memo to help me unlimitedly vent about whatever issue that I'm having without involving other people. It is also an excellent tool because sometimes I look back at these journal entries to reflect on my growth in my process.
Another way to express your emotions in a challenging situation is to utilize the people around you and talk to the friends and family you care about. They would often add a new perspective on the situation that can help you look at it from a different point of view, which is also beneficial if you're reflecting on the loss of a friendship. When I talk to my best friend about a particular situation with my old friend group, she helped me look at the situation from a different lens, which allows me not to be so angry about it and have a little more empathy.
Another big tip when grieving the loss of a friendship is to stay silent. In my situation, even though I was not communicating with these individuals, they would still try to purposely do little things secretly to get me out of my character. So when I saw these attempts, I stayed silent. Only some things need a response, and that's an essential piece of advice I receive regarding this situation. You do more damage when you're quiet than you do when you speak your mind, so it has been many occasions where I could have chosen violence, but I decided peace instead for my overall growth and happiness. Sometimes, you have to do that when going through a separation. You must pick and choose your battles because many battles aren't meant fighting for your well-being.
The last piece of advice when going through a friendship breakup or any form of Separation is never to close your heart to new opportunities. Sometimes, when we go through something traumatic, such as losing a friend or a partner, we tend to close up our hearts for new connections because we got hurt so badly in our last one. When I had my guard up due to the hurt I felt with these individuals, I missed opportunities to connect with new people because I felt like they would do the same thing my old friends did. Being hurt in a connection does cause you to have a force field around your heart. You don't want to feel that hurt again but don't end up putting yourself in a harmful situation where you think you're not meant to have friends because you're so closed off from meeting new people. When this whole situation happened with this friend group, I was being closed off. Still, the day I opened my heart, I ended up meeting somebody exceptional who, to this day, is someone I consider very close with. I always thank God and the universe for me and this individual meeting because it's an individual who has been very, very supportive and showed me what a true friendship is meant to be like. Some people will show you the true definition of a real friend, but you still have to open yourself up to meet these individuals. These people will not fall into your lap randomly; you will have to meet them halfway to initiate or Bloom Something Beautiful, like a new friendship. Sometimes, it's hard, and I'm not expecting you guys to do it right away, but once you release all those negative feelings and emotions over the situation, you can start opening up your heart to meeting new people. Take the things you went through with the breakup and apply them so that you won't meet people similar to those individuals moving forward. That's how you should look at any form of Separation that happens. Take it as a lesson and apply it to the next connection.
It is heartbreaking to go through a separation with someone you deem as close, but that is a part of life. Some people are meant to be with us for a lifetime, some people are only meant to be with us for the season, and those people that are meant to be with us for a season make sure that whatever lesson that they taught you, you apply it on to your life in the future. Those people who are meant to be in your life for a lifetime, make sure you cherish and appreciate them while you have them around you. Always remind yourself that you are worthy enough for genuine love and Connections in your life, and just because you went through a negative situation doesn't mean that you have to fight your heart with that same negativity and still walk around in life with positive and watch the people that are intended to be in your life flock to you.
You are worthy of true love and will get that in the future. I hope anyone is going through any form of breakup or feeling alone currently; I want you to know that you will get through this, that better days are coming, and this darkness you are feeling right now is only temporary.
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You got this. Till next time! XOXO
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